I did it; after nearly a year and half of "99%" veganism, I did it. I "broke down." Clarification, you ask?Yes, that is a milk product, and yes, it's in my freezer. After weeks of hearing about macaroni and cheese almost every day--isn't it weird how things happen in clumps like that? Like you'll hear a phrase used in a book you read and it'll stand out, then a few hours later someone will use it on TV, then two days later your friend will say it during a telephone call. Things always happen in clumps. Anyway, after a few weeks of a "Mac and Cheese clump," I was ready for a cheesy dish that didn't only sorta-resemble cheese, like say a nutritional yeast product. I wanted the real deal, damnit. Well, not the real deal, just a good substitute. But all the good soy cheeses have casein in them, which is essentially dried milk protein. So yeah, there are no real vegan options on this one. :( The pressure was building up inside of me, and I just did it; I caved and bought two Amy's Macaroni and Cheeze Soy Cheddar dinners, complete with milk protein.Later on this afternoon, I had a moment of clarity; veganism is my ideal, but not my current lifestyle. I like to toss the label around and I like thinking of myself as a vegan, but the fact is I'm really not. And then I thought, "wow, the way that comes out makes it sound like my commitment to the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle is worthless; I caved, I'm not a vegan, I'm just another meat-eater." And then I saw how strict my standards are, and how hard they are to maintain in a world of temptation. I'm not saying I'm too hard on myself, 'cause I'm not, not really. It's more that everyone has their own set of standards that they live by, and mine are stronger than a lot of people's, and they end up putting many common indulgences "off limits." Well, I'm still going to remain committed to my vegan ideals, but I don't know exactly what to label myself; so if anyone asks me about it, I'm gonna give them the whole story of my 96.5% vegan-with-a-weakness-for-casein-and-sometimes-honey-but-not-always-who-also-has-a-don't-ask-don't-tell-policy-with-bread-at-restaurants-but-still-loves-life-and-animals-a-whole-lot diet. =)I realize no one can be perfect. I try to be perfect in my vegan diet ideals, and I don't think that is a bad thing, and pressuring myself like that isn't evil or "too much," as some believe. I'm constantly bombarded by temptations, like eveyone else, and I've abstained for a long time, and I will continue to abstain from the more evil temptations and continue to indulge in the lesser of the evils, like using hippy body wash, eating a vegan chocolate bar, or staring at pretty people. oh, and also listening to the Format, which is what I'm doing right now! (yay for plugging good bands!)This time, however, the temptation was so strong that it overcame my ideals; I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am sad that I feel less worthy of the title "vegan," but then again, I am a human, not a "type." This will perhaps liberate me a bit from labeling and force me to reevaluate myself, which is always a good thing. This is going to sound weird, but if I were to manifest the feeling I have right now, it is like I am high up on a thin, tall wooden beam, looking down at a big cloth net, and this pedestal holds me up high, but it's really hard to stay up sometimes, and if I fall, it won't hurt because the net is soft and comfortable. And I'm really tempted to just let go and fall, because it would take away a ton of pressure, and also everyone else is down there on the net, having a good time.Then there is the issue of the slippery slope idea; what differentiates soy-cheese-with-casein from just regular cheese? They both come from cows ::shudder:: (that's scary to say, that I'm eating from a cow), so what is the difference? But then I think rationally; me abstaining from this soy cheese isn't going to save any more lives or prevent any more pain than if I were to go ahead and eat it. After looking over what I wrote so far, I can tell you this definitely; I do not want to give up on the vegan path. Ever. But I don't think that it is such a horrible thing for one to not meet the ideal as much as one can. It is about balancing two conflicting loves, ideals and pleasures, and finding a place where both can be (relatively) happy with each other.It's as though I'm a tire or something, and a ton of pressure has been amassing and it's about to make me explode; I can physically feel it. I want to open the valve and, though I won't let all the air out, I'll let out enough of it to be comfortable again.
Isn't it nice when you rationalize?
